How to Discern Toxic Influences with Biblical Guidance and Build Strong Friendships
Christian friendships between women are meant to be life-giving, filled with encouragement, and deeply rooted in Christ’s teachings. But the reality is that not every relationship reflects these biblical principles, and some may even hold back your spiritual growth.
As Christian women, it’s essential to recognize the red flags that signal when a friendship could be unhealthy, unwise, or even spiritually harmful. By becoming aware of these warning signs, we can protect ourselves from negative influences (or becoming one!) and focus on building friendships that truly honor God.
In this article, I’m speaking directly and specifically to other Christian women, sharing 30 key signs that can help you discern whether a friendship might be pulling you away from your faith.
Men, however, should seek counsel from their pastor or other godly men, as the Bible teaches us that we have different roles when it comes to teaching and encouragement within the church.
Before we dive into these red flags, it’s important to note that this advice is intended for normal friendship dynamics. If you or someone you know is in an abusive or dangerous situation, please don’t hesitate to seek help right away. You can visit thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for immediate support.
1. The Unteachable Spirit
A friend who refuses to accept correction or advice exhibits an unteachable spirit, which is a serious red flag. Proverbs 12:15 tells us, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” A teachable heart is key to spiritual growth, and a friend who is closed off to feedback or criticism may be harboring pride.
They may push back on any attempt to help them grow, which can create an unhealthy dynamic in your friendship. Over time, you may feel frustrated because no matter how lovingly you try to offer advice, they won’t listen.
If a friend dismisses counsel or refuses accountability, it shows a lack of humility, which is foundational in a Christian life. Humility allows us to learn, grow, and become more like Christ. The inability to receive feedback isn’t just a red flag for the friendship—it’s a spiritual problem that can hinder their walk with God.
2. Refusal to Accept Accountability
Accountability is vital for spiritual maturity, and it is part of the calling in Christian friendships. Galatians 6:1 says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” A refusal to accept accountability signals that your friend is not open to correction and may not value growth in their spiritual life. True friends should care enough about each other to offer correction when needed and accept it in return.
A friend who rejects accountability can lead you into complacency. If they aren’t interested in calling you out when you stray from biblical truth, it’s a sign that they’re only interested in the surface level of your friendship. This prevents the depth of relationship God intended for you.
3. Gossip Disguised as Prayer Requests
Gossip, even when disguised as a prayer request, is still harmful. Proverbs 16:28 says, “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” A friend who regularly shares other people’s private struggles under the pretext of asking for prayer is not acting in a godly manner. This habit erodes trust and turns sacred moments of prayer into opportunities for judgment.
True Christian friendships should safeguard the privacy of others and uplift rather than tear down. If your friend frequently indulges in this behavior, you may begin to worry that your own struggles will become fodder for the same kind of gossip.
4. The “Sunday Christian”
James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” A person who acts devoutly on Sundays but lives a secular life the rest of the week demonstrates a lack of commitment to Christ. This inconsistency is dangerous because it presents a false model of what it means to be a Christ-follower. These friends may show up to church every Sunday but live in a way that contradicts their claimed beliefs, indulging in excessive drinking, cussing, or questionable activities.
Being around a “Sunday Christian” could lead you to water down your own faith and compromise your values. It’s important to surround yourself with people who walk with Christ consistently, not just when it’s convenient or expected.
5. Persistently Acting in a Secular Manner in Relationships
2 Corinthians 6:14 warns, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” A Christian friend who consistently engages in secular behaviors within her relationships—whether by dating outside the faith, moving in with a man before marriage, or even bringing children into these situations—demonstrates a disregard for biblical standards. This behavior goes beyond dating non-believers; it reflects a deeper compromise in her walk with Christ, often prioritizing personal desires over God’s commands.
When a woman claims to follow Christ but acts in a manner that reflects the world—such as cohabiting before marriage, engaging in premarital sexual relations, or living contrary to biblical teachings while attending church—she not only jeopardizes her spiritual health but sets a poor example for her children and others. Her actions could lead you to question the importance of godly living, especially if she downplays the significance of living out Christian values consistently.
Such behavior can be confusing, especially for younger believers, and it sends mixed messages about what it means to follow Christ faithfully. If your friend frequently engages in secular relationships and behaviors without regard for God’s instructions on marriage, purity, and family, it’s a red flag that she may not be fully committed to her faith.
6. Quick to Anger
Proverbs 22:24 warns, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person.” A friend who is quick to anger is difficult to be around, and their behavior often creates a hostile or uncomfortable environment. Anger, when left unchecked, turns into bitterness and resentment, making it difficult to maintain a peaceful and loving friendship. Hot-tempered friends may lash out unexpectedly, create unnecessary conflicts, or struggle to manage their emotions during disagreements.
Over time, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, which is emotionally draining and unhealthy. Instead of fostering peace, this kind of friend introduces tension into your life.
7. Constant Drama
Proverbs 20:3 tells us, “It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.” Some friends seem to attract drama wherever they go. Whether it’s relationships, friendships, or daily life, they always find themselves at the center of conflict. Drama can be exhausting, and constant exposure to it can take a toll on your mental and spiritual health.
Friends who stir up trouble or thrive on conflict often bring you into situations that distract you from your walk with Christ. Instead of focusing on peace and spiritual growth, you’ll find yourself caught up in unnecessary battles. Friendship with someone who invites drama will eventually wear you down, leading to anxiety, frustration, and potentially causing you to lose sight of what truly matters.
So, ask yourself, is your friend honestly subject to unfair amounts of drama from others or is she actually the common denominator, and even potentially the instigator, in this story? Be wise ladies.
8. The Ungenerous Spirit
Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it will be given to you.” Generosity is a reflection of Christ’s character, and a friend who is stingy—whether with their time, resources, or emotional support—may be exhibiting a lack of Christ-like love. True Christian friendship should be marked by generosity, where each person is willing to give of themselves to bless others.
A friend who is consistently ungenerous may create an imbalanced friendship, where you feel you’re always the one giving and rarely receiving. This one-sided dynamic can lead to resentment and cause the friendship to feel transactional rather than relational.
9. Prioritizing Children Above Their Marriage
While children are a precious blessing, the Bible reminds us in Ephesians 5:31 that marriage should take priority: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” When a friend consistently prioritizes their children above their marriage, it can lead to an unhealthy family dynamic. Although raising children requires immense dedication, neglecting the marital relationship often leads to a weakened foundation in the family.
Friends who place their children at the center of their world to the exclusion of their spouse may be struggling with misplaced priorities. Over time, this imbalance can also spill over into their advice or expectations for your own relationships.
10. Defaming or Gossiping About Their Spouse
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” A friend who constantly speaks ill of their spouse—whether through gossip, slander, or criticism—demonstrates a lack of respect for their marriage and fails to model Christ-like love. Even when marriages go through difficult times, public defamation of a spouse should never be encouraged.
This behavior reveals not only a lack of respect but also immaturity and bitterness and is immensely damaging to both marriages and the children being raised in them.
While we should support our friends during marital struggles, participating in or encouraging negative talk about their spouse does not reflect biblical principles. In the long run, friendships like this could lead you to question your own marriage or even adopt unhealthy communication habits in your own relationship.
Encouraging a friend to handle marital issues privately and with grace, rather than through public criticism, is an important part of maintaining a godly friendship.
11. Encouraging Divorce for Non-Biblical Reasons
Matthew 19:6 says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” While the Bible permits divorce under specific circumstances, such as adultery (Matthew 19:9), encouraging divorce for non-biblical reasons goes against the sanctity of marriage. A friend who lightly suggests divorce during tough seasons in your marriage is not offering sound, biblical advice.
These tend to be the same women who, when they choose to walk away from their husbands, spend a great deal of time and effort in presenting themselves as the victim in the story – even when a large amount of evidence seems lacking they may seem to lead a campaign of denigration against a former spouse or partner.
So, friends who encourage divorce without considering the gravity of the situation or offering support for reconciliation may, at best, lack the spiritual maturity needed to guide you through such decisions. A godly friend should be quick to encourage prayer, counseling, and biblical guidance before offering separation as a solution.
12. Laziness and Lack of Motivation
Proverbs 10:4 warns, “Lazy hands make for poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” A friend who consistently displays laziness, lacks motivation, or avoids responsibilities can negatively impact your own work ethic and spiritual discipline. Christianity calls for diligence, both in our spiritual lives and in the day-to-day responsibilities God entrusts to us. A friendship with someone who constantly avoids effort or responsibility can emotionally drain you and set a poor example, creating a dynamic where you may always feel the need to motivate or pick up the slack.
It’s important to note that this warning is not aimed at friends who may be struggling with depression or mental health issues, for which professional help and compassion are necessary. However, when laziness stems from a lack of stewardship and disregard for responsibility, it reflects a spiritual issue. God calls us to be good stewards of our time and resources (Ephesians 5:15-16), and consistently unmotivated behavior can lead to frustration and burnout on your end.
13. Addicted to Their Phone or Screens
1 Corinthians 6:12 says, “I have the right to do anything, but not everything is beneficial.” While technology can be useful, a friend who is constantly on their phone or other screens may struggle to be fully engaged in their relationships. Excessive screen time can cause them to disconnect from real-life interactions, making it difficult to build meaningful, faith-filled friendships.
Friendships built on meaningful connection and intentional time together will always foster spiritual growth. In contrast, friends who are glued to their phones may inadvertently communicate that they are uninterested or detached, and this behavior can negatively affect your friendship.
14. Consistent Unwise Decision-Making
Proverbs 14:16 tells us, “The wise fear the Lord and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure.” Friends who consistently make poor decisions without considering the consequences can lead you into trouble or compromise your values. Whether it’s in relationships, employment, finances, or lifestyle choices, unwise decision-making is often a sign of immaturity or a lack of discernment.
These friends may pull you into situations where your own judgment is clouded, encouraging you to act impulsively or without prayerful consideration. Over time, this can impact your own ability to make sound decisions aligned with God’s wisdom.
15. Persisting in Secular Entertainment
Philippians 4:8 instructs us to focus on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy. Friends who consistently consume entertainment that contradicts biblical values—whether through TV shows, music, movies, or social media—may gradually lead you away from Christ-centered thinking. When a person continually indulges in secular entertainment filled with profanity, violence, or immorality, it reflects the state of their heart and their priorities.
Excessive exposure to worldly media can desensitize even the most well-meaning Christians, leading them to normalize ungodly behavior or values. If your friend persists in watching or engaging in content that dishonors God, it may become difficult to maintain a friendship built on shared faith and principles.
16. Ignoring the Bible
Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” A Christian who shows little interest in reading the Bible, even years after their conversion, may indicate a superficial or lukewarm relationship with Christ. The Bible is the foundation of our faith, and a friend who lacks a hunger for God’s Word may struggle with spiritual growth. This may manifest as a lack of biblical knowledge, no desire for deeper study, or no interest in applying the Word to their daily life.
This type of friend may claim the title of “Christian” but live in a way that doesn’t reflect a true follower of Christ. Without a genuine love for God’s Word, their faith may remain stagnant, and their influence in your life could be spiritually shallow.
17. Involvement in Hyper-Charismatic Movements
1 John 4:1 cautions us to “test the spirits to see whether they are from God.” While charismatic movements have their place within Christianity, certain hyper-charismatic churches, such as Bethel or Hillsong, have been criticized for promoting theology that doesn’t align with sound biblical teaching. A friend heavily involved in a movement that focuses on emotional experiences over the truth of Scripture may lead you into confusion or false doctrine.
These movements often prioritize subjective feelings, miraculous signs, and prophetic words over the foundational truths of the Bible. If your friend’s faith revolves solely around experiences rather than solid, biblical teaching, it could lead to spiritual instability. Be cautious of friends who draw their theology solely from popular movements without grounding it in the Bible.
18. People Only at Church for Social Reasons
Hebrews 10:25 encourages us “not to give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.” However, a friend who attends church only for social benefits—whether it’s to network, socialize, or maintain appearances—may not have a genuine relationship with Christ. These friends are often more interested in the community aspect of church life rather than spiritual growth.
Social connections are valuable, but they should never be the primary motivation for attending church. Friends who only see church as a weekly social event are missing the point of gathering in worship, and their lack of depth may hinder your own experience of church as a place of spiritual development.
19. Friends Who Encourage You to Live in Denial
Proverbs 3:5–6 tells us to trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding. Some friends may encourage you to avoid reality or avoid facing difficult truths about your circumstances, whether it’s avoiding hard conversations, ignoring financial responsibilities, or dismissing personal struggles. While optimism is valuable, living in denial is not healthy.
These friends may tell you to “stay positive” at all costs, but true Christian friendships should encourage you to face the truth with faith and courage. Avoiding reality, especially when it comes to sin or poor choices, will ultimately cause greater problems.
20. The “Christian in Name Only”
Matthew 7:21 says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father.” Some people claim the title of “Christian” but show no evidence of genuine faith in their actions, attitudes, or priorities. A friend who identifies as a Christian but exhibits no desire for prayer, study, or fellowship may be living more by title than by substance.
Being a Christian means actively following Christ, not simply holding the label. If your friend’s faith is superficial and centered more on the social aspects of Christianity, they may not provide the spiritual support or encouragement you need in a Christ-centered friendship.
21. Women Who Encourage You to Step into Leadership Roles Meant for Men
1 Timothy 2:12 clearly states, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.” In a Christian context, God has established specific roles for men and women within the church and the family. A friend who pushes you to step into leadership roles reserved for men is encouraging you to step outside of God’s design. Whether it’s in the church or at home, it’s important to honor the biblical structure of leadership, where men are called to lead, and women are called to support.
A friend who disregards these principles and encourages you to take on roles of spiritual headship undermines the biblical authority structure, which can cause division in both your family and your church community.
22. Quarrelsome Wives
Proverbs 21:9 warns, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” A friend who is constantly quarreling with her husband—picking fights, complaining, or being difficult to live with—sets a poor example of how a Christian wife should behave. Marriage is a covenant meant to reflect Christ’s relationship with the church, and a contentious wife who constantly stirs up strife brings chaos to the home.
This type of behavior, if unchecked, can influence you to adopt similar patterns in your own marriage, leading to unrest and conflict. A quarrelsome wife sows discord, which runs contrary to the peace and unity God desires in Christian homes.
23. Neglecting the Role of Keeper of the Home
Titus 2:5 calls for women to be “keepers at home” as part of their God-given role. A friend who consistently prioritizes everything else above creating a clean, orderly, and peaceful home is neglecting her biblical calling. While life can be busy, and no home is perfect, a friend who disregards her role as homemaker or dismisses it as unimportant is sending the wrong message.
When a woman prioritizes external activities—whether it’s work, hobbies, or social engagements—above caring for her home and family, it may cause her household to suffer. A clean and organized home is a place of peace, where family members can rest and rejuvenate. A friend who doesn’t take this role seriously can encourage you to do the same, leading to disorder and stress within your own home.
24. Failing to Stand for Biblical Truth and Fear of Offending Others
Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to “speak the truth in love,” while Galatians 1:10 emphasizes that we must seek God’s approval over the approval of people. A friend who avoids standing up for biblical truth—whether it’s on controversial topics like same-sex relationships, false doctrine, or other cultural matters—due to fear of offending others is showing a lack of spiritual boldness. This type of friend prioritizes keeping the peace or avoiding conflict over upholding God’s Word.
While compassion and gentleness are important, avoiding or watering down biblical truths to keep from offending others signals a deeper issue—seeking the approval of man over God. These actions can influence you to stay silent or compromise on your values, making it harder to stand firm in your faith when faced with difficult situations. True Christian friendships should encourage both parties to seek the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
25. Lacking Accountable Friendships
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Be wary of the friend who does not seek out accountable friendships. Without those relationships that challenge, sharpen, and guide us we risk spiritual stagnation.
Isolation from godly counsel is dangerous because it leads to self-reliance rather than dependence on God and the wisdom of His people. It’s a path that leads us back to the world instead of to the comfort and truth of the Lord.
When friends isolate themselves or refuse to engage in accountable relationships, they often fall into habits or behaviors that go unchecked.
Without the support and correction of a close, godly community, they risk walking away from their faith or making decisions that are not biblically sound. And you risk being taken with them.
Be wise, sisters. Chose Christ always, even (in fact especially) when it’s hard.
26. Failing to Serve Others
Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.” A friend who consistently seeks to be served rather than serving others is missing a critical aspect of the Christian life. Jesus modeled servant leadership, and Christians are called to imitate Him in this way. A friend who only takes and never gives back reveals a self-centered heart.
If a person is unwilling to serve their church, family, or community, it shows a lack of understanding of the gospel. Friendships should be marked by mutual care and service, where both parties are willing to sacrifice for one another. A friend who is constantly expecting to receive without ever contributing may eventually cause resentment.
27. Refusing to Apologize
Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” A friend who refuses to apologize or admit wrongdoing demonstrates a lack of humility and repentance. True Christian relationships require the ability to ask for forgiveness and make amends when needed.
A person who cannot apologize or admit fault is difficult to have a healthy, lasting friendship with. Over time, their pride can lead to unresolved conflicts, bitterness, and a lack of reconciliation. Forgiveness and apology are at the heart of Christian relationships, modeled after Christ’s forgiveness toward us.
28. Persistent Victim Mentality
Romans 8:37 tells us, “In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” A person who constantly plays the victim, no matter the circumstance, has an unhealthy view of their identity in Christ. While everyone faces difficulties, those who consistently see themselves as victims and fail to recognize their own responsibility may eventually burden you with their constant negativity.
A person with a victim mentality is often blind to their own role in their struggles. After years of this mindset, they may still fail to see that they are the common denominator in all their conflicts. This ongoing pattern can drain the emotional energy of those around them, leading to a friendship that feels one-sided and overwhelming.
29. Avoiding Service in the Church
1 Peter 4:10 reminds us, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” A friend who is consistently reluctant to serve in the church, whether it’s volunteering, helping with events, or supporting ministries, is missing an essential part of the Christian life. Service is how we demonstrate our love for others and our gratitude for what God has done for us.
A lack of service can be a sign of spiritual immaturity, showing that the person is more interested in consuming than contributing. If a friend consistently avoids opportunities to serve, it may reveal a heart that is not fully aligned with Christ’s example of servant leadership.
30. Lack of Gratitude and Entitlement
1 Thessalonians 5:18 instructs us to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” A friend who consistently lacks gratitude and displays a sense of entitlement may drain you emotionally and spiritually. Gratitude is a key marker of a heart that recognizes God’s blessings, but entitlement reflects a self-centered mindset that expects more without appreciation for what’s already been given.
Friends who feel entitled to your time, energy, or resources without reciprocating appreciation or effort often foster one-sided relationships. This can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and an overall unhealthy dynamic. A grateful heart, on the other hand, encourages both parties to celebrate God’s goodness and fosters a more joyful, supportive friendship.
Resources
If this article has resonated with you on a personal level you may want to check out the following books:
- Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth – A powerful resource for Christian women to discern the lies of the world and embrace biblical truth.
- The Better Mom Devotional: Shaping Our Hearts as We Shape Our Homes by Ruth Schwenk – This devotional offers daily reflections for Christian mothers, helping them grow in faith while managing the responsibilities of motherhood. It encourages spiritual growth, offering guidance on how to shape a Christ-centered home and nurture godly relationships.
- Women of the Word: How to Study the Bible with Both Our Hearts and Our Minds by Jen Wilkin – This book helps Christian women dig deeper into the Word of God and develop stronger spiritual discernment in friendships.
- Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All by Karen Ehman – A great resource for learning the importance of controlling our words, especially when dealing with gossip and difficult conversations.
- The Lifegiving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging and Becoming by Sally Clarkson – For women looking to embrace their role as keepers of the home while creating a Christ-centered sanctuary for their family.
Available on Amazon.com [ad]
The Takeaway
These are just 30 red flags to be mindful of in Christian friendships. Remember that “all fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), and we may even see some of these traits in ourselves. If that’s the case, it’s important to be open to correction, both from the Word and from those who care about us. True Christian friendships are built on accountability, growth, love, and mutual respect—and we should be ready to offer and receive these in equal measure!
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As always, I’d love to hear from you – leave a comment below and share your insight or tips for identifying red flags within Christian friendships!
Last update on 2025-10-22 / Affiliate links / Images from Amazon Product Advertising API
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